Buy my books because you still need one more item to qualify for free shipping.

 

Buy my books to sing like Prince or Whitney Houston...with laryngitis & their vocal cords partially removed.

 

Buy my books because nothing that truly tastes great is really less filling.

 

Buy my books to support a local author. (I'm more local to some than others)

 

Buy my books to see me do a little happy dance….with your eyes closed in your imagination.

 

Buy my books and two black spots will disappear from your soul…only to be replaced by five new ones.

 

Buy my books to spit in the eye of everyone who said Trix are just for kids.

 

Buy my books because one size fits all is total bull...shirt.

 

Buy my books so that nasty looking rash will go away!

 

Buy my books to see the future…by skipping to the last page.

 

Buy my books because side effects should never apply to you!

 

Buy my books because the only demons in your head should be mine.

 

Buy my books to support a great cause...me!

 

Buy my books because being 1st is always better than being last!

Ok, not always but mostly.

 

Buy my books because they all come with a prize inside: words.

 

Buy my books because books make you look smart. (Notice I said LOOK.)

 

Buy my books because it keeps me from hiding in your bushes with binoculars.

 

Buy my books so all your current legal troubles will end... only to be replaced by new ones!

 

Buy my books so the demons in your house will disappear...inside of you.

 

Buy my books because even *I* don’t look good in a cardboard box.

 

Buy my books to prove you've amounted to something….about $3-$5. 

 

Buy my books to attract the love you’ve been missing into your life (from me & my accountant).

 

Buy my books online because having your card declined in public is just plain embarrassing.

 

Buy my books because hoarding is underrated.

 

Buy my books to become immortal. (What you do on the internet NEVER goes away.)

 

Buy my books because when I’m out on the streets bad things happen.

 

Buy my books so you too will be able to call in the Hydra!

 

Buy my books because you don’t have to add milk you don't have.

 

Buy my books so your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/husband never has to know.

 

Buy my books because they make the voices go away.

 

Buy my books to prove Mensa doesn’t have ALL the smart people.

 

Buy my books so I won’t testify against you in court.

 

Buy my books to lose weight! (Full brain cells are smaller & weigh less than empty ones).

 

Buy my books to give your lactose intolerance the finger...then promptly hurl.

 

Buy my books, make 10 more people buy them….and absolutely nothing will happen!

 

Buy my books to look great naked…because you’ll be reading instead of looking in a mirror.

 

Buy my books to make your ereader/computer grow 3 inches in just 2 weeks.

 

Buy my books because I'm one of you... only better. 

 

Buy my books to make los cucarachas salir!

 

Buy my books to increase your brain size….or cause an aneurysm. (I always mix up the 2). 

 

Buy my books because laughter is not priceless. I think I’ve at least earned $2.99 here.

 

Buy my books because they taste like chicken (& they’re cheep).

 

Buy my books to save money on car insurance…by not paying for it in the 1st place.

 

Buy my books to win a trip to anywhere in the world...eventually… from somewhere else… maybe.

 

Buy my books to appear on TV...in the reflection when it’s off.

 

Buy my books to prove you have taste (questionable taste, but taste).

 

Buy my books because joy is a gift. Surely, I deserve something in return.