I Know I for One AM a Barbie Girl

I just read yet ANOTHER article hating on Barbie.  What's up with that? 


Mattel even just created a new line of shorter, thicker "more realistic" dolls yet STILL people continue to hate on Babs. 


Is Mattel doing enough they ask?


What do you mean is Mattel doing enough? It's not like they're withholding the cure for cancer or raising the cost of lifesaving drugs by 700%.  It's not like they're poisoning poor people's water with lead.  It's not like they're genetically modifying food in a mad quest to take over the global food supply and therefore subjugate the entire planet. (Cough) MonSatan.(Cough)


Mattel manufactures TOYS - CHILDREN'S PLAYTHINGS and in this case a DOLL. 


That's right.  As much of a shock as it may come to  Barbie's detractors BARBIE IS NOT A REAL PERSON.


Find something more constructive to do with your time than hating on a doll.  Better yet, channel that extra energy into fighting real evils of the world such as the ones listed above or perhaps even TALKING TO YOUR CHILD about what's real and not real - including airbrushed, bulimic/anorexic, plastic surgeried, attention starved, morally bankrupt ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS that your child might realistically look up to.  Just stop blaming girls’ self esteem issues on Babs. 


Besides, if your girl child does have self-esteem issues, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say there are probably much deeper, darker, more nefarious factors at work outside of her dolls. If not, you might want to call the Warrens instead of Mattel.


Still, demon doll possession aside, if your child is truly looking to a PLASTIC TOY for a role model, the problems in your household and within that child run WAY deeper than Mattel. If YOU are blaming a doll for your child’s self esteem problems, give me your information so I can get that kid out of there before you go all Andrea Yeats on them.


Think about it.  Really think about it.   What bad has ever come from Barbie?


Because of her we have that catchy Aqua song and from Paradise Hotel, my favs – the Barbies (along with Super Hot Ken and his dorky cohort).


She has a killer sense of fashion and a limitless wardrobe. She takes fashion risks no matter the consequences.


Sometimes she rocks and other times...Well, other times you just want to place a little paper bag with eye slits over her head.


Does that stop Babs?! Never.  


I think that’s a good image for women – wear what you like - to hell with the critics or trends or fashionistas….or people with eyes.


She can spontaneously change her appearance. She can instantly cut or grow her hair with the blink of either a painted on or faux hair eyelash and change her hair color like most women change their undies. And she can do it without not one hair of breakage or split ends.


Don’t like the way you’re looking today? Well change your ENTIRE FACE and without plastic surgery or botox to boot! (At least we have not been able to prove she’s been under the knife. (insert suspicious sidelong glance here))


She has presto chango Scooby Doo face reveal tricks that would make Ethan Hunt sit up and take notice. Not only that, she never ages! (And you said pacts with the devil never work.)


The girl can even change ethnicity for crying out loud! Who else do you know can manage that?! Well, I mean besides Michael Jackson.  


At first they tried the whole Christy thing but then they decided not to live a lie anymore. Like Superman's forehead curl when he transitions back into Clark Kent, it had to go.  Nowadays Babs simply runs into her proverbial magical phone booth and emerges a black woman or a native woman or whatever race she dares to be without apology or pretension.


Talk about living la vida loca!


Babs does whatever it is she feels like she wants to do when she wants to do it. (Also empowering.)


Want to be an astronaut? Thring! She's an astronaut. Want to be a doctor? Thring! She's a doctor. Want to be a pole dancer? Thring! Babs can't help you with that one.


However, judging from how quickly she changes careers, Barbie must be some kind of secret agent with government provided fake papers or a fembot. (Both glass ceiling busting career alternatives for plastic women by the way.)




Nah, she wouldn’t!


You don’t think Barbie would buy illegal degrees from third world countries do you?! (Gasp.)


Still, possible fraud aside, what other woman of the world (especially at the time of her inception) would openly date an effeminate closet homosexual who wears as much gloss, mascara and rouge as she does? I mean, especially after it was revealed that he was a eunuch to boot?!


What a brave girl!


Of course that she seems herself to be cursed with a lack of female genitalia certainly didn’t make that such a life altering sacrifice for Babs (though the rare disease that claimed her buttocks also sealed her womanly treasures for all times).


Still, even her haters have to admit, she’s been terribly brave about it all. While she has cared for others, including her little sister Kelly, she has never once demonstrated any bitterness because of her bareness.


Even while struggling with her fertility issues and despite the deep internal scars caused by Ken’s emotional abusiveness (because of both his impotence and her strange sealed condition), she finally found the courage to leave him. Though critics of Ken believe  his verbal abusiveness had turned physical (necessitating all of the face changes), such allegations have never been corroborated or proven.


Lastly, what other woman can balance such colossal tatas as those with such a tiny body and no back pain?  Heck, even Chesty Love has to strap those babies down every so often to keep them from becoming knee pads. 


Not only that, but what other woman can never eat a thing yet never lose an ounce or become a walking anorexic skeleton?  No one.


In conclusion, Barbie has her pants put on one leg at a time just like the rest of us...unless a really impatient kid is doing the dressing.  She has her own crosses to bear including that upcoming federal investigation into her questionable resume and the battle to renew her restraining order against Ken.


What Barbie needs most now is your support. Don't hate on the girl cause her skirt is short.  If your body was 90% legs, you'd have trouble finding skirts long enough too.  

Seamonkey Ink
Grea Area