I just read yet ANOTHER article hating
on Barbie. What's up with that?
Mattel even just
created a new line of shorter, thicker "more realistic" dolls yet
STILL people continue to hate on Babs.
Is Mattel doing
enough they ask?
What do you mean is Mattel doing enough? It's not like they're withholding the cure for cancer or raising the
cost of lifesaving drugs by 700%. It's not like they're poisoning
poor people's water with lead. It's not like they're genetically
modifying food in a mad quest to take over the global food supply
and therefore subjugate the entire planet. (Cough) MonSatan.(Cough)
Mattel manufactures TOYS - CHILDREN'S PLAYTHINGS and in this
case a DOLL.
That's right. As much of a shock as
it may come to Barbie's detractors BARBIE IS NOT A REAL PERSON.
Find something more constructive to do with your time than hating
on a doll. Better yet, channel that extra energy into fighting
real evils of the world such as the ones listed above or perhaps even
TALKING TO YOUR CHILD about what's real and not real - including airbrushed,
bulimic/anorexic, plastic surgeried, attention starved, morally bankrupt
ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS that your child might realistically look up to. Just stop blaming girls’ self esteem issues on Babs.
Besides,
if your girl child does have self-esteem issues, I'm going to go out
on a limb here and say there are probably much deeper, darker, more
nefarious factors at work outside of her dolls. If not, you might
want to call the
Still, demon doll
possession aside, if your child is truly looking to a PLASTIC TOY
for a role model, the problems in your household and within that child
run WAY deeper than Mattel. If YOU are blaming a doll for your child’s
self esteem problems, give me your information so I can get that kid
out of there before you go all Andrea Yeats on them.
Think about
it. Really think about it. What bad has ever come
from Barbie?
Because of her we have that catchy Aqua song and
from Paradise Hotel, my favs – the Barbies (along with Super Hot Ken
and his dorky cohort).
She has a killer sense of fashion and
a limitless wardrobe. She takes fashion risks no matter the consequences.
Sometimes she rocks and other times...Well, other times you
just want to place a little paper bag with eye slits over her head.
Does that stop Babs?! Never.
I think that’s
a good image for women – wear what you like - to hell with the critics
or trends or fashionistas….or people with eyes.
She can spontaneously
change her appearance. She can instantly cut or grow her hair with
the blink of either a painted on or faux hair eyelash and change her
hair color like most women change their undies. And she can do it
without not one hair of breakage or split ends.
Don’t like the
way you’re looking today? Well change your ENTIRE FACE and without
plastic surgery or botox to boot! (At least we have not been able
to prove she’s been under the knife. (insert suspicious sidelong glance
here))
She has presto chango Scooby Doo face reveal tricks that
would make Ethan Hunt sit up and take notice. Not only that, she never
ages! (And you said pacts with the devil never work.)
The girl can even change ethnicity for crying out loud! Who else do you know can manage that?! Well, I mean besides Michael Jackson.
At first they tried the whole Christy thing but then they decided
not to live a lie anymore. Like Superman's forehead curl when he transitions
back into
Talk about living la vida loca!
Babs does
whatever it is she feels like she wants to do when she wants to do
it. (Also empowering.)
Want to be an astronaut? Thring! She's
an astronaut. Want to be a doctor? Thring! She's a doctor. Want to
be a pole dancer? Thring! Babs can't help you with that one.
However,
judging from how quickly she changes careers, Barbie must be some
kind of secret agent with government provided fake papers or a fembot. (Both glass ceiling busting career alternatives for plastic women
by the way.)
Unless….
Nah, she wouldn’t!
You don’t
think Barbie would buy illegal degrees from third world countries
do you?! (Gasp.)
Still, possible fraud aside, what other woman
of the world (especially at the time of her inception) would openly
date an effeminate closet homosexual who wears as much gloss, mascara
and rouge as she does? I mean, especially after it was revealed that
he was a eunuch to boot?!
What a brave girl!
Of course
that she seems herself to be cursed with a lack of female genitalia
certainly didn’t make that such a life altering sacrifice for Babs
(though the rare disease that claimed her buttocks also sealed her
womanly treasures for all times).
Still, even her haters have
to admit, she’s been terribly brave about it all. While she has cared
for others, including her little sister Kelly, she has never once
demonstrated any bitterness because of her bareness.
Even while
struggling with her fertility issues and despite the deep internal
scars caused by Ken’s emotional abusiveness (because of both his impotence
and her strange sealed condition), she finally found the courage to
leave him. Though critics of Ken believe his verbal abusiveness
had turned physical (necessitating all of the face changes), such
allegations have never been corroborated or proven.
Lastly, what
other woman can balance such colossal tatas as those with such a tiny
body and no back pain? Heck, even Chesty Love has to strap those
babies down every so often to keep them from becoming knee pads.
Not only that, but what other woman can never eat a thing yet
never lose an ounce or become a walking anorexic skeleton? No
one.
In conclusion, Barbie has her pants put on one leg at a
time just like the rest of us...unless a really impatient kid is doing
the dressing. She has her own crosses to bear including that
upcoming federal investigation into her questionable resume and the
battle to renew her restraining order against Ken.
What Barbie
needs most now is your support. Don't hate on the girl cause her skirt
is short. If your body was 90% legs, you'd have trouble finding
skirts long enough too.
